The Tick Tock Incident
by Sasparilla123
Summary: Revenge is a dish best served cold, irritating and in the middle of the night. MWPP
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Much as I would like it to be otherwise, Harry Potter is a figment of J. K. Rowling's imagination. Not mine. Surprise! Anything you don't recognise **_**is **_**mine, though, so if you want to use it, ask first.**

Chapter 1

"_Hey, Pettigrew! Psst! Over here, mate. I want you to go fix James' alarm clock for him – I can't quite figure out the spell. It's in here, chapter twelve."_

"_Of course, Sirius! I'd be glad to. Right now?"_

"_Right now."_

"_But what if-"_

"_Peter. Calm down. James asked me to do it himself."_

"_Oh. Okay then. So this doesn't have anything to do with-"_

"_No, definitely not. I don't try and get James back for every stupid trick he pulls on me, do I?"_

"_You kind of do, actually..."_

"_Okay, okay. But this has nothing to do with that. Just trust me. He'll thank you for it."_

"_All right then. I'll go do it now, shall I?"_

"_Might as well."_

"_Bye, then!"_

"_See you."_

_

* * *

_

It was early on a hot Sunday evening. A skinny boy with tangled black hair lay flat on his back in the middle of the floor, deep in thought. The fingers of his left hand absentmindedly fiddled with the curtains on the bed beside him, twitching them back and forth.

"Well," he murmured vaguely, still playing with the curtains, "he's never going to tell us. We could always just curse it out of the git. He deserves it. What d'you think, Moony? Jelly-legs this time? Boils? Wooden feet?" He grinned as an idea occurred to him. "I could always hex him so that all his greasy hair falls out..."

The foot dangling off the bed kicked out and hit his glasses, knocking them off.

"Oi! Remus, that was my face!"

"I know."

James Potter fumbled around on the floor and found that his glasses had somehow gotten rolled up in a spare Gryffindor sweater under the bed. He fished them out, put them on and rolled his eyes. "_Honestly._ I just meant-"

A pale face poked out over the edge of the bed and interrupted him. "You just meant that we'd get into another fight with Snape and end up in detention. _Again,_" said Remus grumpily. "And I'm quite enjoying life without two hours of cauldron scouring every night, thank you _very _much."

James shrugged carelessly, still sprawled on the dormitory floor. "S'pose you're right. As usual."

"I know."

"Shut up."

"Anyway, it's probably true."

James sat upright so fast he got whiplash.

Did Remus know something he hadn't told him?

"You think so?" he said breathlessly, rubbing his aching neck. "Were you there? Did you see him? Did she tell you? How d-"

"_Prongs. _Relax. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I mean, what else would have made her that upset? How else would he have landed in the hospital wing?" Remus looked down at his friend, realization dawning. "You're not _still _obsessed with Evans, are you?"

"No," said James, defensively.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Well, yes. But that's got nothing to do with it. I just can't believe that anyone, even Snivellus, could call someone a, a..." He looked around as if making sure no one was listening. "...a _Mudblood_." He mouthed the word angrily, reluctant to even say it.

The other boy sighed. "He's a slimy pile of Kneazle droppings, that Snape. Maybe another week of cauldrons wouldn't be so bad after all. I could live with it, I guess." He paused. "Could you _really_ make his hair fall out?"

James nodded gleefully.

"All of it? And the eyebrows?"

More nodding.

"Well," said Remus happily, "never one to do things halfway, are you?"

Before James could reply, the heavy wooden door to the staircase swung open. A short, plump boy wandered into the dormitory, his head buried so deeply in a dog-eared copy of _Cunning Charms for Mischief Makers__ (Guaranteed Mayhem or Your Money Back!)_ that his nose touched the paper. His eyes scanned the page, mouth forming the words silently.

Remus nodded in greeting. "Afternoon, Peter."

"Hello, Remus!"

"Wormtail!" called James from his spot on the floor. "You seen Sirius anywhere? I think he's still sulking. Hey – isn't that his book?"

"Oh, hi James! Yeah, he just lent it to me - he's in the common room, I think. He was a minute ago, anyway...er, hang on-"

Peter flipped through the book, searching for something. "Let's see now...chapter twelve, chapter twelve, chapter twelve. Ah! Here we go!" He pulled out his wand.

"_Excito exulcero!" _

He waved his wand with a dramatic flourish, almost dropping it, and a large green bubble started to swell from the tip. The bubble detached itself and floated lazily across the room, finally coming to a stop over James' nightstand. It hovered for a second, with the three boys' eyes glued to it, before it settled over the alarm clock and vanished with a small pop. The clock immediately began to glow green. James stared at it in disbelief as it started to emit a faint hum.

"Pettigrew! What the _hell _did you just do to my clock?"

"Well, Sirus told me-" he broke off, cringing a little at James' expression, which seemed to be torn between amused and horrified.

Remus had no such confusion and started laughing so hard he fell off his bed. "Merlin, James. What did you expect?" he panted when he'd calmed down a bit, tears of mirth leaking from his eyes. "What did you _think _was going to happen when you hexed his all his robes to say '_Raucous for Dorcas' _across the back? If you'd talked to me about it, I could have at least helped you figure out something decent for a slogan. And I reckon the pink was definitely overkill. "

Grinning sheepishly, James ran his fingers through his hair, making it even more wild. "I don't know what he was so upset about. Pink really suits him, I think."

"He was pretty mad when he couldn't change them back, though," said Peter. "He had to go and borrow a whole new set from Longbottom."

"Well," James said crossly, "I didn't think he'd drag you into it!"

The boy in question blinked anxiously. "I never knew – well, at least, I didn't mean – he said you wouldn't -" Peter broke off, frowning. "Oh, _hippogriff _turds!" he exclaimed savagely, before flopping down on his bed rather harder than he normally would have.

Remus moved over to the afflicted clock and prodded it gingerly with his wand. Nothing happened, so he poked it a bit harder, which only managed to make it glow a brighter green and hum even more annoyingly. Intrigued, he examined it closely, his nose barely an inch from the steadily moving hands. "The book you got the spell from should have given it away," he murmured, almost to himself. "D'you know what he got you to curse it with?" he called to Peter over his shoulder, still squinting at the clock.

"No, not at all. He just told me that Prongs had broken his clock and wanted it fixed. He gave me that book, though," Peter pointed to where it lay innocently on the floor. "What?" he protested as James shot him a skeptical glare. "He was very convincing!"

Remus gave the clock one last nudge and shrugged. "He always is. James, he'll be in the Great Hall by now. Have you ever known him not to be early for dinner?" He crossed the dormitory and clattered down the stairs, stopping abruptly halfway down. "You coming or not?" he hollered up the stairwell. The two other boys followed hastily.

As they clambered through the portrait hole, James shook his head, muttering darkly to himself. "Bloody Padfoot."

**A/N: Review, pretty please! This is my first attempt at a chaptered fic - do you like it, loathe it, have any ideas for where you think it should go? Let me know (:**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: This is not mine. I am not J. K. Rowling. **

**Well, no freaking **_**duh.**_

Chapter 2

James plonked himself down on the bench beside Sirius, who was eating his chicken with the air of a man very pleased with himself. Remus sat down on James's other side, while Peter squeezed himself in at the end of the bench and immediately began to pile food on his plate. James wasn't in the mood for eating, and continued to glare at Sirius, who finally laid down his knife and fork. He looked back at James, supremely unconcerned.

"Come to apologise, _Potter_?" he said coldly.

"No, you git! I've come to ask you what the ruddy hell you got Wormtail to do to my clock!"

Peter raised his hands in surrender and looked across pleadingly. "I didn't mean to!"

"I know, I know. That's why I'm considering Vanishing Padfoot's head and not yours."

Sirius sipped his pumpkin juice and dabbed his mouth fastidiously with a napkin. "No need to get your knickers in a twist, mate, as Moony says," he replied offhandedly. "I mean, it's not like I turned it permanently pink or anything, did I?"

"Well—I—that's not—" James' protests trailed off. "I'm sorry about that," he mumbled.

Sirius snorted. "I'm not. That was _brilliant. _I need to get that hex off you, though...I can think of quite a few people who need a little pink in their lives."

"But then, his clock—?" Peter's round face was screwed up in confusion.

Sirius flapped a hand at him carelessly. "Well, I couldn't just sit there and take it, could I? Old Prongsie'd never waste an opportunity to screw up my life if I never gave him any trouble back. And as for what it does," he said, a wicked grin spreading across his face, "you'll find that out on Monday night."

James pretended to faint in horror, knocking into Sirius who accidentally pushed a tiny first-year face down into a gravy tureen.

Helping himself to more mashed potatoes and ignoring the commotion from two seats down, Remus mulled this over. "So, it takes a whole day to kick in...glows green... excito_ exulcero_, wasn't it?"

Peter nodded hurriedly. The first-year, a little boy called Lockhart who was far too obsessed with his hair, was still struggling in the gravy. Sirius hoisted him out bodily by the back of his robes. _"I could have done that myself, you know!"_

"...exulcero...a whole day..." Remus looked across at Sirius sharply. "_Padfoot. _You didn't. Did you?"

The tall boy grinned proudly. "Figured it out, Moony? Don't worry, it'll only last until Tuesday morning."

The tall boy slowly shook his head. "Oh Prongs," he said in a sing-song voice, "you are in for a hell of a night."

"What? What did he do? Moony! Don't side with him!" James pleaded.

Remus smiled. "You're just going to have to wait and see," he said mysteriously, taking a third helping of potatoes. "Anyway," he said to Sirius, changing the subject, "you haven't heard the news about Snivellus, have you?"

Sirius gasped. "He's not gay is he?"

Remus snorted. "Don't think so," he commented drily. "If he was then he's so far in the closet he could be living in Narnia."

James choked on his pumpkin juice, while Sirius gave a strangled kind of hoot that was muffled by his sleeve.

"Narnia?" said Peter, puzzled, as Sirius pounded a still-coughing James on the back.

Remus coloured faintly. " It's a Muggle thing my mum showed me. I don't think I've gotten around to lending you the book. But that's beside the point."

"_Quite _beside the point," said Sirius, dropping Remus a flirtatious wink. The pale boy snorted and flicked a spoonful of mashed potatoes into Sirius' hair.

"Oi! _Not the hair! _Wha—"

"Pads, just because you're bent as a fruit loop doesn't mean everyone else is!" interrupted James. "Do you want to hear this or not?"

"Yeah, go on, go on." Sirius clasped his hands in mock prayer and gazed up at the enchanted ceiling in rapture. "Is it true he lives in a tree?" he breathed reverently. "Is his wand made of dragon vomit? Did_ really_ he sell his soul for an everlasting bottle of hair gel?"

"Probably, but it doesn't matter."

"_How can you say it doesn't matter! _ Who are you and what have you done with my Prongsie!"

James rolled his eyes. "Just shut up and listen to this! Apparently, he called Evans a... a," James glanced around again, guiltily, "a _mudblood_," he hissed. "In the middle of the corridor! In front of _heaps_ of people!"

Sirius looked mildly disgusted. "But isn't she supposed to be friends with the git?"

"Not anymore," James replied with some satisfaction. "According to Ryan and Lange, who heard it from Trevalla, who got it from Jeffs, who was _there_, Evans hexed him eight ways 'til Sunday. She must have used some of ours, I think, judging by the state of him—I'm quite proud. He's still in the hospital wing, oozing on the sheets."

D'you think he'll recover?" asked Peter, worriedly. "I mean, what if he _never_ recovers?"

The other three boys just looked at him.

"Oh Peter," sighed James. "Who _cares_?"

Siris waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "_I _care."

James smacked him.

"Shut up, you tosser."

As they got ready for bed that night, James eyed his clock apprehensively. It was still glowing the same ominous green and humming faintly. He threw his robes on top of it to drown out the sound and climbed into bed.

James wasn't exactly looking forward to Monday night, and as he drew the curtains around his four-poster, he tried to ignore the high-pitched humming which hadn't been muffled at all by his clothes. As his head hit the pillow, he wondered what Remus had meant by "a hell of a night."

His dreams were filled with exploding clocks that emitted a green gas smelling faintly of rotten eggs, and man-sized slugs with long greasy hair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: News flash! I'm not J. K. Rowling. If I _were_, I'd write a goddamn prequel already. But sadly, anything you recognise isn't mine.**

Chapter 3

"Prongs."

He rolled over and buried his face in the warm pillow. It was still raining outside - he could hear it drumming loudly on the tower roof.

"_James. _ Wake up!"

He'd had a dreadful night's sleep and his bed was so comfy and he was so tired and he didn't want to move...

"Jamie, you lazy git! We have Transfiguration in _fifteen minutes_!"

"...mph...don' call me tha'..."

"FIFTEEN MINUTES."

"Oh_. Crap." _ James almost levitated out of the bed, got tangled in his sheets and crashed to the floor in a crumpled, flailing heap. "Don't you leave without me! If I'm getting a detention, I'll sure as hell drag you down with me." He threw on his clothes frantically, trying to fit both legs through one leg of his pants and almost strangling himself with his tie.

Sirius was waiting by the door, fixing his already-perfect hair. "Moony and Wormtail have gone already. I can't _believe _you missed breakfast." He shook his head and started down the stairs, followed by his rather disheveled friend. "Anyway, I waited for you because I have a plan." Sirius waggled his eyebrows. "An amazing, fantastic, awesome plan. To do with what you said about detention, actually."

"Why do you do that eyebrow thing all the time? It's creepy," said James fervently.

Sirius took the opportunity to waggle them again.

"This plan. It doesn't involve ducks again, does it? That one went horribly wrong. Horribly. I still have nightmares about how _horribly—_"

"No. That was a shameful moment. We swore to never speak of it again." Sirius suppressed a shudder. "I just thought that in Transfiguration, we should..._whisperwhisperwhisper._"

"Pads! That's actually brilliant!"

"Well, what can I say? Clever is my middle name."

"No, it's not."

"Is so!"

"It's not. I'm pretty sure it's Archibald."

"_Archibald_ ?"

"Frederick, then?"

"No."

"Humphrey?"

"_Merlin, _ you're unbelievable."

...

"Merlin?"

"No!"

"Pollyanna?"

"Will you just shut up and get your wand out? We're almost there."

—_20 minutes later—_

"POTTER! BLACK! _DETENTION!"_

_

* * *

_

"I dunno mate, the dragon was _inspired-"_

"-and then the window popped out and everyone was like-"

"-you should have _seen-"_

"-flipping_ brilliant_-"

"-and then the blackboard started crying for its mummy-"

"Oh, that was the funniest-"

"-and all the quills tried to-"

"It's a wonder she didn't kill us!"

"-and all _hell _broke loose."

"-yeah, I think that's the maddest she's ever-"

"...The feathers were overkill though."

There was a long pause.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah."

"Mmm."

"Definitely."

"Our darling McGonagall's sent you to detention how many times now? Twice a week, minimum."

Sirius nodded sagely. "Well, my dear Wormy, we do have a reputation to uphold. Can't keep the fans waiting, can we?"

The marauders were hurrying to lunch, grinning like mad things and looking back on the events of the past hour. They took the four seats at the very end of the Gryffindor table.

"Doesn't matter though," mumbled James through a mouthful of pork pie, "because she only gave us lines."

Remus tried to keep an incredulous expression off his face and failed miserably. "_Lines_? You and _Padfoot_? Doing _lines_? Has our Minnie finally gone off her nut?"

"Yes!" wailed Sirius. "Two hours after classes for a _whole flipping week!_"

"It was worth it though," said Peter dreamily. "Please tell me you saw the look on Crouch's face when he was stuck to the ceiling." He mimed uncoordinated, frantic doggy-paddling and his friends snickered at the memory.

"What d'you think she'll make you two write out, Pads? No, wait, I know!" Remus faked a look of intense concentration, tongue stuck out and eyes crossed, and pretended to write carefully on the tabletop.

"_I... must... not... grow... four... legs... and... a... tail._ " The resulting laughter was loud enough to draw concerned glances from the staff table at the top of the hall.

The actual detention, however, was not funny at all. After two hours of mind-numbing boredom, the two boys walked—staggered, really—back to the common room in a kind of stupefied daze.

"Prongs! Merlin, I have the _worst _cramp in my quill hand."

James stared at his own aching hand. It twitched limply. "I know. I think mine's going to drop off." He glared at Sirius. "Remind me to never listen to your brilliant plans ever again, would you?"

"No can do, _mon ami_. And where would you be without me to help you pull off _your_ brilliant plans? Not that you have as many as I do, of course, but still."

"Oh, shut up."

"Shutting."

"_Password?"_

"Felix Felicitis."

"Seriously, Prongs?"

"Yeah, they changed it this morning. Oh, that's right! I must have forgotten to tell you. Silly me."

"You, my friend, are an absolute tosspot."

"Dog."

"Antler boy."

"Snivellus lover."

"Four eyes."

"Ooh, below the belt, that one."

"Hey! Prongs, Padfoot! How was it?" Apart from Remus, who was sprawled in an armchair by the fire, the common room was empty. He put down his book and looked at the two boys expectantly.

James collapsed into the chair opposite, wincing when he accidentally jarred his hand. "It was pretty much almost just about _exactly _how you said it would be, Moons. Creepy, really."

"Yeah, I'm with Prongs on that one." Sirius screwed up his face determinedly. "_I... must... not... consort... with... werewolves._"

He shook his head at Remus, who burst into laughter.

"Well, I'm going to bed," said James, starting up the stairs and holding his hand out in front of him a little.

"Goodnight my child! Sleep tight! Don't let the house elves bite!" sang Sirius. "And there's Quidditch practice in the morning, so set an alarm or something."

Remus picked up his book and followed his friend up the stairs. "You know he's going to hate you tomorrow, don't you?"

Sirius grinned. "I know. This is going to be great."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: _Hold the press. _I'm not J. K. Rowling. I know, I was pretty shocked too. But hey! Don't sue me!**

Chapter 4

Judging by the snoring, everyone else was asleep already. James blinked blearily. His eyes were half stuck together with sleep and he hurt all over. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow, muffing a groan. Why couldn't he just bloody fall asleep already? With great difficulty, he managed to lift his head and glance at his green clock.

2.53 am.

James decided that 2.53 am was his least favourite part of the day, worse than History of Magic. He stared at the ceiling and _willed_ himself to pass out. It didn't work.

"Hey! Hey, James! It's seven minutes to three. And you have to get up at 6. 30 for Quidditch, remember?"

"Yeah. I know. Be quiet, I want to sleep."

He threw the pillow over his face. To make matters worse, the goddamn enchanted clock had been heckling him all night, and he had actually started talking back to it. It was official - he'd finally gone mad. He was going to have to wait until the morning to kill Sirius though, because right now he was just too exhausted.

"Okay, I understand. I get it, I really do. But guess what? Now it's six minutes to three. I do hope you set another alarm for six thirty, because mine doesn't always work. I'm just warning you."

"I know. I set two on Moony's clock. Shut up."

"Five minutes!"

"_Shhh._"

"Four and a half minutes!"

"Go away."

"Almost three minutes."

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"Oooh, no need to get tetchy. Just doing my job."

James threw off the covers. After about a minute, he pulled them back up. Thew them off, pulled them up. He couldn't decide if he was too hot or too cold. He was tangled up in sheets and clothes, dog-tired and pissed off. He took another fleeting glance at the clock, noticing how the green was flickering ominously.

3.18 am

"Tadaaa! Wow, blink and you miss it!"

He imagined that the clock was smirking.

"Only three hours, ten minutes and fifty one seconds left before you have to get up for good. It's not worth it. You should just get up now. Write a letter to your mum. Go to the kitchens and get a snack. Come up with a topic for that Potions essay. Hey! Did you just think of something? Better write it down so that you don't forget. Quick!"

"_Lumos_."

James' wand illuminated the room before he could change his mind. He fumbled for a self-inking quill and parchment, couldn't find any parchment and ended up scribbling all over his arm instead.

"_Nox."_

The room was plunged into darkness. Except for a faint green glow.

"3.56 am. Is that a fly buzzing around the room? Is Sirius Black snoring too loudly? I bet if you listen really carefully, you'll be able to hear the tap dripping in the bathroom..."

"_...…"_

"JUST SHUT UP!"

"Okay. Sorry."

…

…

"Hey! It's me, obviously. Just a thought - is the ink on your arm rubbing off on your face? You won't be able to read it if it is. Can you feel it? I bet you can. I think you'd better turn on the light and check."

…

"It's 4.15 am, by the way. I thought you'd like to know."

...

"You know I'm only here to help, right?"

* * *

At 6.30 am, Sirius woke up and discovered two things. James' clock was lying in shattered fragments on the floor and James himself was standing over him, gripping his wand in a shaking hand. His friend was red eyed and looked completely manic.

* * *

At 7.30 am, the rest of the dorm woke up to find that James had gone to Quidditch practice and that someone had cursed Sirius Black's nose to drop off, run away and hide under his bed. Sirius was pointing his wand at James' bed and muttering something under his breath. The whole bed quivered, before vanishing with a quiet pop. It reappeared in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, where it was still raining. James' anguished howl echoed through the school, and Sirius laughed.

He then crouched down and started to search for his nose.

_The End_

**A/N: Okay, that's it. I'm not really feeling the epilogue vibe quite yet sorry, but I do hope you enjoyed this - it's only the second fic I've bothered to publish. You know the drill - review, pretty please :)**


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